Today broke me. Why? Because yesterday was so amazing. So awesome. No pain in my hands and feet. Good hips, minor lower back pain. Shoulders not too bad, elbows all good.
And energy. Enough energy to get through the day.
Yesterday was one of those rare, rare days when I felt pretty good.
I used to have one or two of those a week. Then they reduced to one or two a fortnight. Then once a month. Now they only happen a few times a year.
When they do, I tell myself its temporary. I tell myself over and over. I beat down that little voice that is trying to say ‘the latest drug is working! It’s finally starting to work!!!’.
I tell myself, and tell myself, and tell myself…just enjoy today.
But still, I hope. It doesn’t take long for that hope to build. Only a day. Only a day for me to start planning a whole bunch of things that I will do. That I can do. That will happen.
Finish painting my house. I plan my next holiday. Places to go, people to see.
It only takes a day. It is the curse of the natural born optimist.
And then the following day the knives return. And they are relentless. And I think ‘how?’
How can this be gone for one day and then return so viciously? How can I have forgotten in one day how painful this is? How can my tolerance for this pain have deserted me….in one day.
Because today is just normal. Flaring all over, to varying degrees. Knives in several joints. Just deep aches in others. No energy. So, so tired.
But that is normal for me. A normal day.
But most upsetting is that my SI joint is flaring. Three days after all that cortisone. Sharp pain there. There is no way to rest the SI joint. Everything you do transfers forces through that joint. Unless you just lie in bed on your back completely still.
Should I do that? It’s not even an option today.
So I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill to loosen up. Get the synovial fluid moving, hope for some relief. And it provided some. Until I cooled down again. And stiffened up again. But for a while the pain was less.
Then there are all the things that needed doing. Trip to the shop, get groceries. Done.
Then all the things I wanted to do. Undone. Not one thing I wanted to do today was doable. All those beautiful plans from yesterday. Gone.