Recovery and its slow

The Chicklet now has braces.  I have paid the deposit, or rather I’ve whacked it on the credit card, and now the chase is on to get the ex-husband to pay his share.  He will pay, he has agreed (Ok, he didn’t DISagree…).  It’s just a matter of when.  I know he will pay.

I can pay it off on the due date, don’t worry.

Good news arrived today in that I will continue to get Carer’s Allowance, because my son has a disability and I am his carer.  Carer’s Allowance needs to be re applied for when the child turns 16, and the criteria become much more stringent.  I almost didn’t apply because I was sure that he would no longer qualify.  But I was wrong.  This was a good time to be wrong.  It is $120 a fortnight, which doesn’t sound like much, but my cashflow is so tight now, that the extra money does make a big difference.

Ironic that I am his carer, when I need a carer myself.  But his disability is very different to mine, but just as invisible.  Until he has a meltdown and hurts himself or threatens to hurt someone else.  I provide emotional stability, psychological support night or day and endless love and hugs.

At first child support was reliable and appropriate.  Now it’s still reliable, but my ex refuses to pay the full amount, because he says he can’t afford it.  He knows that I won’t sic the child support agency onto him, because my son needs the relationship he has with his father.  And the damage it will do to my son won’t be worth the $100 a week.

Please don’t tell me it shouldn’t affect their relationship. It will. I know my ex, and I know my son.  Additionally, my ex is a contractor who for tax purposes, runs his own business.  If I push the issue his friends (his employers) will help him hide his income (not so hard to do when you run your own business) and I will be worse off.  He knows this. I know this.  He knows I know this. The Child Support Agency can only work with the number on his tax return.  There are many ways to make that number much lower than the actual amount of money he is earning.  He is paying a reasonable amount, in that he pays more than most, because he earns more than most.

And I have worked hard for 6 years to keep an amicable, friendly relationship with my ex, mostly for the sake of my children. He is betting I’m not going to blow that up now.  Tempted, though I am.  I do get tired of being in the no-win situation, but I can sleep at night, because the worst thing I’ve ever done is make an honest mistake.  Lots of them, maybe.  I no longer believe in karma, or that true love will prevail, though I still love the idea.  Unfortunately nice guys do, in fact, finish last.

I’m stubborn.  And proud.  I know my ex-husband loves his kids, but he does treat parenting as an optional extra in his life. Even when we were together, the kids were my responsibility.  I did all the midnight feeds, nappy changes, school runs, parent/teacher nights, paediatrician appointments, psychology appointments, occupational therapy appointments and midnight ER runs.  He worked hard to support the family financially. That was how our relationship worked, and nothing has changed, really.

I need to generate more income, however.  I can’t work at all anymore.  I make about $30 a month in adsense from my blog.  I do get offers regularly these days to promote products, usually miracle cures for arthritis…creams, supplements, diets.  People will pay me to advertise on my site. Or for me to publish their articles on my blog.  It’s a sort of compliment to think that people think that I am an ‘influencer’ but that was never the goal of my writing.  And it’s not a compliment to be targeted by these people.

I’ve always said this blog is very selfish.  I need to get this stuff out, because I don’t have someone next to me to talk to.

If I could have anything in the whole world, I would have my person next to me, listening to me talk. And I would listen to them back.  I’m a good listener.  And they would like talking to me, and they would like listening too. And they would remember what I said, at least some of the time.  And I would make them laugh with my smart-ass comments, and they would call me on my bullshit, and I would love them all the more for doing so.  And they would make me laugh, because that would have been THE thing that drew me to them in the first place.  That they made me laugh. And I’d give them a massage to say thank you.

I can dream.

But I don’t have my person, so I talk to you, dear internet.  And there are some wonderful people who take the time to comment, and talk to me.  I know my comments sometimes sound trite. And I know that sometimes I don’t remember each person’s history, and I need reminding.  But I do care.

But sometimes people tell me that I helped them, and that honestly feels so wonderful.  It is such a good feeling, that I want to do more of it.  Much more of it.  But right now, I’m still wading around in the pit, but I do jump up and grab the bar sometimes, and pull my head up long enough to take a big, deep breath of the sweet air above.  Then I slide back down. But I know I’ll get back up there again.  And I’ve devolved in to schmaltzy metaphor…because I don’t write this blog for money.  That makes perfect sense, right?  What I mean is I feel personally connected to the people here, and I won’t sell that for any price, no matter how broke I am.

I need cashflow.  But, no.  I won’t use my blog that way.  Even though I need money and they are offering it, there are many things I won’t do for money.  Pushing dodgy products is one.

I’m learning about the stock market. I’m sure that’s the answer! (joke).  All I need to do is work out a system, right?  Funnily enough I’ve been paper trading for a week, and so far I’ve made $625 in (paper money) profit.  Fantastic!  It’s quite seductive.

But you watch what happens when I put my system to the test with real money.  I think I’ll keep paper trading for a whole lot longer before I risk actual dollars.   It’s just ironic that in my first week I did really, really well.  I’m not looking to get rich quick. I’m looking to increase my income to the cost of living a comfortable life.  If I were able to make just $500 a month this way, that would be quite awesome and change my life considerably.  I’ve started another blog about my money-making ideas and adventures.  I just haven’t had any time to work on it lately. Cos, you know, nervous breakdown and all that.

I haven’t started on Dr Mike’s homework yet.  My appointment with him was really helpful yesterday.  But exhausting.  Digging deep into emotions is hard work.  There are some losses, some loves, and some experiences…you never get over.  But you have to find a way to co-exist with them.

He wants me to write a specific blog post.  He wants me to get out and meet people. And he wants me to go on at least one date.  He doesn’t ask for much.

Clearly I can’t go out and meet people now. But he said I got myself to see him, so I made it a priority.  It’s borderline tough love, and tough love doesn’t work for me.  But it turns out the neighbour’s dogs broke through the fence again today.  They’re lovely dogs, I encouraged all but one of them to go home back through the fence. Because of the slope of the land, it’s easier for them to come through than to go home.  And one, decided he wanted to stay.  So I sent the Chicklet to leave a note and my number in their mailbox to tell them where their dog was, and that it wasn’t a problem, their dog was fine and welcome.  And so my fence neighbour dropped by to pick up Marshmallow as we’d dubbed him.  Lovely dog.  We had a coffee and chatted a while. So while I didn’t ‘get out’ and meet someone new, karma and circumstance meant I met a lovely person.  I’ll call that one done (and maybe I’ll learn to  believe in karma again one day, but not true love).  And I’ll write the blog post.  The date?  Probably not.  Definitely not. But I’m figuring two out of three ain’t bad.

I have heard nothing back from my OT.

I have heard nothing back from the NDIS.

I have left a message for the dietician.

Still in the holding pattern.

I have had a response from the cleaning company.  I have to put my reasons in writing to terminate the contract immediately.  I will do that.  I’m just really tired.  They just need it in writing, with reasons.  Fair enough.  But I’m putting that off until tomorrow now.

I need to work on my photography course. It’s very much a beginner level course, and that is perfect for me right now.  I have to get out and take some photographs though. It’s all about selfies, and self portraits and self-image, ironically enough.  That’s not so easy.  I can’t get down low and take photos from interesting angles.  I can, however, get out my macro lens and take some indoor shots of things from the couch.  They bore me though.  And I can find some links and inspirational work for my digital journal.  I’ve started a new blog for that too.  It’s part of the course.

Pain is bad now.  But this morning, post injection, my right hip is almost pain free! I can’t remember the last time that was the case.  Years.  So that’s an upside too.

Looking for upsides is hard work.  Perhaps that, more than anything, is the part that nobody ever understood.  They thought it came natural.  It didn’t.