Last night I took my methotrexate. 0.8mg injected, the equivalent of 20mg tablets. Injections are better absorbed, however, and do give me less in the way of side effects. Less nausea, less fatigue, less depression.
Depression is the one I care about. Nausea and fatigue I pretty much accepted as a daily part of life years ago.
Depression I can do without.
Last night I took the shot, because I need to be physically stronger. To have less pain. To be on my feet to deal with happenings at home.
This morning I woke up with that crushing feeling of grief in my chest.
And I woke up in considerably less pain.
Yes, it does that. Both those things. And it does it fast. I call 30% less pain.
The funny thing is that by afternoon, the pain is back, and I’m fighting tears constantly. Turn on TV. Urge to cry. Watch an advert for a bank. Urge to cry. See a little spider crawling up the wall. Actual tears. FFS!
It’s more than a little crazy. And unpleasant.
I went to gym to fight the feeling. Exercise combats depression. I hid in the back row of the spin class. My hip felt like it dislocated but that didn’t make me cry. Then one of the songs I really like that reminded me of that boy I used to know all those years ago came on and the tears just started rolling down my face. In the middle of class. FFS.
Lucky sweat and tears are pretty much indistinguishable in a spin class. Lucky no one’s looking anyway. It was far more fun when I had friends at gym. But anonymity has its advantages.
So, now I’m home. Drinking a glass of wine. Yep, that’s a good idea. More irony – methotrexate causes me to crave red wine. Actually, that’s not true. Methotrexate causes depression and anxiety and sadness, and THAT causes me to crave wine. Because wine usually makes me happy and laugh a lot. But only when I’m with friends. Seeing as I don’t really have many friends anymore, and certainly none that come over for red wine, there is a major flaw with this course of action.
Not to mention my liver.
Will power, don’t fail me now. One glass. Just. One.
I know over the next six days the unpleasant, intense emotions will taper. The emotional outbursts will settle, and the crying jags will improve. There’s no question that I am under a lot of pressure. It’s not that the methotrexate causes the moods, it just amplifies them. And breaks down my defenses somehow.
And on the morning of the seventh day, I will feel pretty normal. And then I take my methotrexate shot and the whole thing starts again.
But right now, it beats the pain.