Yesterday I had the worst migraine I’ve ever had. I get these rarely, but when they happen its always along with my period, and they usually only knock me down for a few hours. This one was the worst one I’ve ever had, and lasted the whole day. They vary in intensity, from a searing headache, blurred vision, nausea and the need to be in a dim room and close my eyes, to swords being stuck through my head, a total empathy for vampires because the light, it burns, it BURNS, vomiting, weakness, confusion and passing out.
The day after this migraine I felt exhausted, headachey, nauseous, like a bad hangover. Still largely knocked down, but functional to a point. And depressed. I think that’s a combination of the same hormones that cause the migraines cause depression and sadness, and the very understandable depression that goes along with knowing your body is not your own, and you cannot control any aspect of your life anymore, and there seem to be never-ending, new ways for your body to generate pain, without any external help at all.
Yesterday was torture.
My kids stayed over at their father’s house. It took some convincing to get the Chicklet to go, because she doesn’t like to spend much time with him. I try to keep that relationship intact to any degree I can mostly because it’s the right thing to do, she might need her father one day, and there will likely come a day when I’m not around, but he still will be. The kids might need a parent, not that he really passes muster as a ‘parent’, but he loves them almost as much as I do. I know he does. And kids need that love, even when they’re older. It’s hard to go through life without parents who love you, or are able to show you any love.
The migraine started in the early hours of Sunday morning. At first I was grateful that there was no one else here. But the pain was too awful to sleep. I needed a bucket and there was no one to get me one. I made it to the bathroom most of the time.
New low point in my life was when I tried to get pain medications. I had to crawl down the tiled hallway to the kitchen. I had barely eaten the day before, because I wasn’t feeling great. Hindsight being 20/20 that was pre-migraine hormones. So I was extremely weak, and though nauseous, I had no energy and knew I needed some sugar, now. I have cans of coke in a box on the floor in the kitchen. That’s as far as they got from the grocery shop on Friday. Sugar, caffeine, fix the hypoglycemic state, and try to get some pain medications down.
I couldn’t walk, I crawled. OMG that my hurt knees, feet and my wrists, but that was nothing compared to the pain in my head. I could only see the next few tiles ahead, and just told myself to keep going. One tile at a time.
Then I threw up, and passed out. When I woke up my beloved smartwatch told me I’d been asleep for an hour and a half, in a pool of my own vomit.
Like I said, new low point.
I couldn’t figure out where I was, or what I was doing there, and I was freezing cold. I ached all over, lying on cold tiles isn’t great for flaring joints. Somewhere in my sleep or passed out state I heard the phone ringing. Someone, somewhere must have had a feeling I needed help (haha) but I couldn’t reach my phone.
So I kept crawling. I was 2/3s of the way there at that point. Onwards to the kitchen, one tile at a time. I reached the box of coke on the floor, and after some difficulty, managed to open the can. Tiny sip, by tiny sip I drank most of it. I don’t know how long that took. A while. An hour later I had some energy, and actually stood up briefly, and took some pain meds, and my prednisone, only 8 hours late. That was it. I didn’t want to throw those up, so I didn’t push it. Nothing else mattered.
I cleaned up the mess and I made it back to the couch, and passed out again. The kids came home an hour later, around 4pm, and I moved to my bed. They’ve headed to school now, and have barely spoken to me at all. That’s no doubt paranoia, but I feel both disgust and a bit of fear radiating from them. They suffer too when I am that sick.
I’ve had some hydrolyte this morning, and I’ll eat some food. I don’t know what. Once I get something in my stomach, and keep it down, I’ll improve some. I have the OT and the wheelchair supplier coming today to prescribe an appropriate wheelchair. That’s not until 1pm. I should be able to sit upright by then. And converse sensibly. And even see clearly. I hope, anyway.
And all of this is also due to perimenopause and messed up hormones. And another benefit of the hysterectomy and removal of my ovaries in two weeks should be no more migraines. Or no more hormonal ones, ever again. Assuming the HRT is effective for me…that’s a big concern. Synthetic hormones have never been a good thing for me. But given I don’t have a choice, there is no use worrying about it. It’s going to happen, and it will be managed.
In the meantime, I’ll be here in a post-migraine haze. The headache is bearable, but the nausea is bad. I’m incredibly tired. The stomach cramping is enough to double me over, and the bleeding is ridiculously heavy. I need some food for energy, but the idea is disgusting. I’ll need to clean up a bit before the OT arrives. There isn’t room to get a wheelchair in here, there is crap everywhere.
Oh and my gas heating isn’t working. Fan-fucking-tastic. It’s bloody cold, the whole house is freezing. And I don’t need the expense or the hassle. The voodoo doll is fully still in play.
But first, I need to sleep a little more.