Ok everyone hold onto your bits, cos THIS is funny. Literally laugh your ass off funny.
Instead of going to going to my gym class like a good girl, my beautiful GP called me in to see me about my Pap test results. He knows I’m having all of that stuff taken out in two weeks, so I figured I just had abnormal cells, and he wanted to make sure that I have my cervix removed.
I’d already decided to have it taken, mostly so that I NEVER have to have another Pap test again. So no big.
But no. Not so fast. I have pre-cancerous cells.
A high grade squamous intraepithelial lesion of the cervix, to be exact.
Let me stress this is NOT CANCER. But its pre-cancer, its serious, and, were I not having a hysterectomy week after next, I’d need surgery anyway.
Dr Y and I had a good laugh about the timing of it all, and then he gave me the kicker.
Because these are pre-cancerous cells, after the total hysterectomy, I WILL STILL NEED TO HAVE PAP TESTS! It’s just called a Vault test when you no longer have a cervix. Test six months after surgery, if clear then one year, if still clear then five years. Or every six months if not clear, until two consecutive completely clear of pre-cancerous cells Vault tests. Then one year. Then five years.
Only me, right??? So we fell about laughing, cos what else can you do? I’m doomed to needing my GP to talk to my other lips for a few more years yet. Who has a total hysterectomy and still needs Pap tests? Me!!!
Still, ultimately I’m feeling pretty damn lucky. 18 months ago I had pre-cancerous polyps removed from my endometrium. I was told they were gone and not to worry. Now I have a complex cyst on my left ovary and pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. My girl bits are clearly trying to kill me, and by having that ultrasound last week I just may have dodged the biggest bullet ever. Grateful that I have a GP who listens to me, and sent me for the scan, just because I thought there was something wrong. And the gods are clearly telling me that the hysterectomy is the right thing to do, so no matter what happens, I know I needed this done. There is no choice in any of it, all of it has to go, which actually makes it easier. #hurtingbuthappy