Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and the state of the world according to me

Even though I know there is a 95% chance that this cyst is nothing, it’s a small cyst and could go away on its own and the real problem is the stomach pain which means I still can’t eat anything without pain, I’m obsessing about the cyst.  I’m scared, and I am convinced that it’s bad. This is a clear sign that I am no longer thinking logically, or being reasonable, because usually I can be rational, see that the odds are excellent that this is NOTHING to worry about, and relax.

Usually.  But not this time. I’m terrified, and I think there has just been too much stress, on too many fronts for too long, and I’m no longer coping or being sensible.

I have a gyne appointment tomorrow, and that will reassure me and calm me the F down, because after that, I will have a plan.  And I always feel better with a plan, regardless of what the plan is.  She’s seeing me very quickly, and I feel lucky to get in that fast.

I am working on rehoming my cat.  I’m sure I will find a good home for him, I’m getting lots of help from a cat rescue organisation, but it’s a very hard process. The guy at the rescue is possibly the nicest guy in the world, he read the comments people were making about me yesterday on the Siamese Rehoming facebook page, and thought they didn’t treat me very well (I didn’t either).  He just called me to tell me so, and that he is so confident that he will find my cat a good home that he will foster my cat himself if need be, and not to worry.  There are great people in the world who restore your faith.

Gamerboy is still emotionally wrecked and at home.  He has to go to school tomorrow, or he will be failed on the maths assessment, and this time I agree with the school. He should have gone today, I stuck my neck out for him big time yesterday, and he let me down.  But if a 5’10” 16 year old kid says they’re not going to school, what can I honesty do about it?  We’ve talked about consequences and responsibility and punishment doesn’t modify his behaviour.  I think he may be subsconciously self-sabotaging, because his best friend moved schools last week, which is hugely upsetting to him, but he won’t admit it.  I think on one level he wants to fail out of this school and *have* to go to the school where his friend has gone.

But all he has to do is say the word. I’ll move him in an instant. I WANT him to move.  But it has to come from him.  He has to come to the realisation and start learning to manage his own strong emotions better. Even if the collateral damage is failing year 11.  His emotional and mental health, and acquiring those skills are lifelong skills that he will need, especially as a kid with Asperger’s Syndrome.  School? Well its great if you can do well first time around, but there’s always second chances and other pathways to get to where you want to go in life.  He will be a coder geek one day. He will get there. It will take him longer, and the poor kid has inherited my need to do things the hard way. But he WILL get there.

I’m withdrawing from my photography course.  It’s an added stressor that I can’t manage.

I’m focusing all my energy and attention on getting this house ready for sale.  I need to be living close to a school that the Chicklet can attend in 6 months.  I’m going to hire a bunch of people and just get the jobs done.  I love this house.  I had a lot of plans, and dreams.  None of them panned out and instead of getting better, I got worse. Much worse. So now I have to go.  I’ve been holding on here for the most ridiculous reasons.  Time to let that go.  That’s not easy either, and the idea of the effort involved in selling up, and physically moving, with my current state of health feels pretty overwhelming.  But it needs to be done. I’m in a position where I can’t meet both my kids needs, but I can meet one. And I can meet my own.  And I need a smaller house that’s less to take care of.

Apart from that I need a break. I need to take cover in my blanket fort for a while and regroup. This last week has been hellish. But so was the week before. And the week before that. And having three crises pop up a week is almost normal around here these days.  I can’t go on this way, and things have to change. So some time spent naval gazing and watching trash TV might be time very well spent right now.