Ok, it’s over. I have given it the good old college try. I have fought the good fight. And methotrexate has won. Or lost, I’m not sure! Bottom line, I’m not taking it any more. That’s three for three – methotrexate is OUT!
Methotrexate is the ‘gold standard’ treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis, or at least moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. It helps many people, but it has a host of unpleasant side effects.
Three times now I have made it to 10mg. The second dose I take literally drops me. Each time I have gotten to 10mg all my joints have been flaring. I am couch-bound. The pain is all encompassing, I struggle through the bare essentials. I try to keep going. I fail. I cry. A lot. As previously mentioned, I’m not a big cryer. But on methotrexate I cry a lot.
But it’s more than that. I feel beaten. I have had awful flares, but I get through them, and keep going. Not a lot of choice, really!
But on methotrexate I feel beaten. Depressed doesn’t cover it…it’s a real hopelessness that is hard to explain. I have never in my life felt life is not worth living before. Except when I am on methotrexate. It takes all my fight out of me, and beats me into a pulp. A sad, teary, puddle of pulp. Yuk!
Each time it has been the same. Not much is written about the emotional/psychological side effects of methotrexate. But depression *is* listed as a side effect. Its is described as a rare side effect. But the more people I talk to who take the stuff, the more common I realise it is. Perhaps not to the extent that I felt it, but mood swings and depression are common with methotrexate. Ofcourse they are also common when you have a chronic, painful disease.
And I agree, it’s hard to be 100% sure. But three times I have tried now, and three times I have found myself here, completely unable to cope with this disease.
It’s possible that after nearly 4 years of fighting, I have just reached my limit. But I don’t think so. I think it’s the methotrexate. And so, I will not take my next dose this week.
We’re all different. Another treatment option down. I don’t see rheumy for another two months. He will not be happy. But he will understand. He has gotten to know me quite well, and he knows I don’t give up without a fight. And together, we’ll figure out the next option.
