Today a friend came over and helped me move things around my garage to allow me to get my car into the garage. She was awesome. There are a lot of things that may not seem that hard, but they just require two people. She took care of that, and I am very thankful.
And I just needed someone to make me do it. There is so much to do around here that it’s overwhelming. She came over and said ‘we are doing THIS’ specifically referring to a job. So we did. And I needed that.
I emailed Dr Mike and told him I need more sessions, some more intense therapy. I guess PTSD is PTSD because it strikes whenever it pleases…often when you think you’re doing OK. But phrases that I used to think were annoying and pretentious (and they ARE, as spoken by the 15 and 16 year olds that often speak it in my presence) phrases like ‘triggered’, those phrases mean a lot more to me now, because I do actually get ‘triggered’. I’m starting to understand why disability activists hate appropriation of words and phrases so much. I’m still not sure…many words have multiple meanings. But the trivialisation of serious issues, like PTSD, is important.
But the point is, I am seeking help, as its clear I am not making progress. I am still almost as traumatised as I was when I realised my closest friend wasn’t going to help.
I am seriously considering dropping my Anatomy and Physiology class. I am behind again, with an exam this weekend. The reality is, I am not well enough to pursue this, or anything else for that matter. I love photography, and I can’t do that. I love gym, I can’t do that. I love food and cooking, I can’t do that. What I can do is stop setting goals that are too hard. BUT…its incredibly hard to know what is a realistic goal. You don’t know until you try…and because I am an eternal optimist, I want to try. And because I HATE not finishing what I started I just want to try and get through this unit.
But I have to be sensible. There is no way I am going to finish this degree. In all honesty, my immunologist gave me a potential life expectancy that is shorter than the time it takes to do a part time degree.
But of course, that’s only one possible future. I want to learn this stuff. I love nutrition, and I enjoy anatomy and physiology. But I have no memory anymore. And I have no one to discuss it with…there is very little interaction online. I tell myself that if I were in a *class* with people, it would be better, more suited to my way of learning. But I can’t get to a class. So I should give it up. Accept it.
Accept my limitations. Accept that despite what people my see, I am significantly disabled. Despaired people’s expectations, I am disabled.
I am SO positive that I keep trying these things. I actually believe I can do it. So all you people who PM me about how negative I am, your opinion is noted. It’s actually damaging for me to keep trying these things..to keep thinking this positively…and to keep being knocked down. I don’t know why I keep doing it to myself. It’s because of being super positive, and that CAN be a bad thing. SEeing the best in people CAN be a bad thing.
I’m rambling. Back to the point.
Someone I barely know offered to be my support person and be there for me after my surgery. She would have to travel, she has never met me in person, but she has gone through a lot with her RA, and she understands. And she was prepared to do that for me…travel hundreds of miles, leave her family, to spend a few days with me post-op. Those all important days. To be there when I wake up.
I know she would do it. I believe her. She is beautiful, kind person, and we;ve spoken online often…but I am a stranger to her. She’s kind of an angel to me…she would put herself through great hardship to help me.
She has restored my faith in people. Cos people I’ve gone to hell and back for woudn’t spit on me. But this person just recognises someone in need, and would help me.
So that’s the positive thought for the day. There are some amazing people in the world. And it seems to me that its always people who are going through hell themselves, who turn up for someone else. It’s almost a barometer for identifying people who have really suffered. *REALLY* suffered. They cant stand to see other people suffer, because they know how it feels. SO they try to help.
My biggest problem is not accepting how limited I am. And the damage done by past experiences. I need help with my PTSD, and while writing this I realise that I need to withdraw from my course. It’s pointless. I need to write the book that I have always wanted to write. The book that evolves and lives in me but never gets written. I need to do that. Write. Tell the healthy, and the “worried well” what disability and illness really is. That its not our fault. That we’re just unlucky. That it isn’t always lifestyle related. That the wellness industry is toxic and divisive and quite evil. More so than ‘big pharma’ could ever be. And that in every population, you have the helpers, the givers, and the takers and the needy. And we really need to STOP focussing on ‘self-care’ because most people are actually very, very good at that. We need to focus on community, and connection. Because communities are what keep us afloat through the most difficult times. Communities keep us connected. And the most human impulse is the drive to connect with others. Through good times and bad.