Today is one of those days. Those days where it really bites to be alone.
Because I could do so much more if I had a little bit of help. I am desperate to get out of this house, go find somewhere in the sun to play. But I’m not sure I can. I might get stuck. And by that I mean I might get there, or half way there, and then be in too much pain to get home.
Pain levels are high today. Pain medication doses are high today. I don’t think driving is quite safe, or advisable. That leaves walking. I can’t walk far. My toes, ankles, knees, hips and lower back are arguing about walking from the kitchen to the bathroom. A 3km walk to the top of my favourite ‘mountain’ to enjoy the view seems unlikely.
If I had someone to come with me, I’d give it a shot. I’m just afraid of getting 1.6kms in and the pain being so severe I have to stop. My hips have started ‘locking’ lately. They just jam up and the pain is extreme. I can’t move. I really can’t. I just stand really still and wait until it’s over. Usually only a few minutes. But when it happens, it keeps happening. As in, if I keep walking, a few minutes later, it will happen again. I don’t want to walk a few kilometres like that. Or not on my own.
I don’t want to deal with that all on my own. But if there was someone next to me, walking with me, I’d make it. I know I would. There wouldn’t be tears. I’d get a hug, and we’d turn around and make our way back to a point where I could wait to be picked up in the car. And taken back home. Back to the damn couch.
But I would have tried.
It’s hard to find a person like that. Someone who can handle that I keep wanting to try things, and often fail. I agree that it sux to have your heart and mind set on a walk up a hill to see a great view, and then have to turn around cos your partner can’t make it. Regularly can’t make it. It gets frustrating. You start to think ‘Why are you bothering?’. And ‘Why are you torturing me with your disability?’ And ‘Why can’t you just accept that you can’t do that anymore?’.
Or so I’m told. I’ve had a partner like that. I’m not blaming him. Those are reasonable feelings, and a reasonable position to take. I understand. I can put myself in his shoes, and understand. And I’m not angry.
He couldn’t put himself in my shoes though.
I have to keep trying. I don’t want to spend my life on the couch. I flat out refuse. So I keep biting off more than I can chew. And chew like f*ck.
He didn’t love me enough, so that trying (and sometimes failing) was OK. He got frustrated by my repeated failures. Whereas I couldn’t let them get my down, I needed to keep pushing forwards. He just didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Because he doesn’t fail. He doesn’t like to fail. No one does. And he didn’t need to fail. I was the thing that made him fail. That dragged him down. That held him back.
But it’s a mindset thing. And it’s a love thing too. If our situations were reversed, it would be more important for me to be spending time with someone I love. If we only got halfway up the mountain, I’d prefer that to making it the whole way on my own, or with someone else. That’s how I am when I’m in love. I like to do things together. Call me crazy. And I put my partner ahead of me. It’s a bad habit. A very bad habit, really. I always do it. I have always done it.
And look where it got me.
But I’ll do it again. I’m like that. I’m not sure I can change something so fundamental about myself. I will be adoring, sweet, worshiping wifey to someone again one day.
Except I’m not sure I can afford to do that. I need to look after myself. When I’m with someone, I forget about my needs and focus on making them happy. Which only really works, if they are the same way. Not many people are like that though. Selfishness and self-serving behaviour are epidemic in our culture. And while I have a shitload of character faults, selfishness isn’t one of them.
I need to put myself first. Because no one else will.
So alone I choose to remain.
Except… Today is one of those days. Those days where it really bites to be alone…