I’m really struggling. Moving house is hell! I’m still in so much denial about what I am capable of…I think cos I can lift light weights for an hour in the gym I can pack up a whole house myself??? wtf is wrong with me? I still think that I can push through all this pain by sheer force of will. Guess what, I can’t! I crash and burn every time. And I have so much still to do. The pain is bad today, but the fatigue is the brick wall. I am going to have to spend today working up the courage to ask some of my able bodied friends for help. They have offered. Why is this so hard for me to do??? Sorry, had to vent…I really hate myself sometimes.
This is what I posted on a group looking for support. I just broke down emotionally. I just sat in my half dismantled house, and cried. Looking at everything that needed doing, knowing I had to do it.
And knowing that I can’t.
I absolutely can’t.
This is where my ‘paint a smile on your face and tough it out’ attitude really falls down. A very long way.
I just thought I would post this, because I do have breakdowns, and I do fall apart.
Rheumatoid Arthritis will do that.
I had a quick coffee with one of my closest friends yesterday. She just moved house a few weeks ago. She packed up her house in about four days, and while she was tired, it wasn’t such a hard thing for her to do.
She is not sick. She doesn’t suffer chronic pain. She doesn’t suffer debilitating fatigue.
She smiled and told me not to worry, that I’d get there. That it’s not so bad. That it’ll be done before I know it.
I packed 20 boxes before Christmas. I have packed another 10 since. There has been no real respite. No period where I can completely rest and recover. Packing. Christmas. New Year. More packing.
Moving in one week.
Immovable deadline. I have to do it. I will do it. How?
I have to ask for help. I am hopeless at that. Absolutely hopeless at it. My aforementioned friend has offered to help. But when I was trying to explain to her that I am struggling, she joked and told me all was good. That I would be fine. She has absolutely no understanding of what is going on in my body.
Then I fell into that horrible old habit…I told her about my cortisone injection in my shouler, and what the ultrasound results showed. Arthritis. Bursitis. Tendonitis. Synovitis. Erosions.
I started shoving my ‘proof’ down her throat…so that she would understand that I am sick. I am disabled. I am in pain.
The more I tried, the more she retreated. Offered me another coffee. Changed the subject. Told me not to be negative.
I really hate when people tell me not to be negative. I am about the most positive person I know. But I am allowed to fall apart every once in a while. It does not make me negative. It is reality.
I usually downplay my pain. I acknowledge that I am hurting, but I don’t harp on it. I believe that saying something quietly and calmly should command as much respect as if I broke down and cried.
Sometimes, though. Every once in a while, I need to face the truth and be able to talk to a friend about the reality of what’s happening to my body. That I have moderate to severe RA. That it is a serious disease. That it is debilitating. That I need support. That I need physical help.
No one wants to hear that.
So I put the smile back on my face. And we discussed how exciting moving into a new house is. We talked about the things I will do to the house over time…the things that need fixing, the things that need painting…
All the time me knowing that I won’t do any of those things. That I have Everest to climb between now and then.
And somehow, I will.