Final Methotrexate update

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Ok, it’s over.  I have given it the good old college try. I have fought the good fight.  And methotrexate has won.  Or lost, I’m not sure!  Bottom line,  I’m not taking it any more.  That’s three for three – methotrexate is OUT!

Methotrexate is the ‘gold standard’ treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis, or at least moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It helps many people, but it has a host of unpleasant side effects.

Three times now I have made it to 10mg.  The second dose I take literally drops me.  Each time I have gotten to 10mg all my joints have been flaring.  I am couch-bound.  The pain is all encompassing, I struggle through the bare essentials.  I try to keep going.  I fail. I cry.  A lot.  As previously mentioned, I’m not a big cryer.  But on methotrexate I cry a lot.

But it’s more than that. I feel beaten.  I have had awful flares, but I get through them, and keep going.  Not a lot of choice, really!

But on methotrexate I feel beaten.  Depressed doesn’t cover it…it’s a real hopelessness that is hard to explain.  I have never in my life felt life is not worth living before.  Except when I am on methotrexate.  It takes all my fight out of me, and beats me into a pulp.  A sad, teary, puddle of pulp.  Yuk!

Each time it has been the same.  Not much is written about the emotional/psychological side effects of methotrexate.  But depression *is* listed as a side effect.  Its is described as a rare side effect.  But the more people I talk to who take the stuff, the more common I realise it is.  Perhaps not to the extent that I felt it, but mood swings and depression are common with methotrexate.  Ofcourse they are also common when you have a chronic, painful disease.

And I agree, it’s hard to be 100% sure.  But three times I have tried now, and three times I have found myself here, completely unable to cope with this disease.

It’s possible that after nearly 4 years of fighting, I have just reached my limit.  But I don’t think so. I think it’s the methotrexate.  And so, I will not take my next dose this week.

We’re all different.  Another treatment option down.  I don’t see rheumy for another two months.  He will not be happy.  But he will understand.  He has gotten to know me quite well, and he knows I don’t give up without a fight.  And together, we’ll figure out the next option.

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