I haven’t blogged for a while because I’ve been extremely sick. Potential Adrenal Crisis type sick. My immunologist fit me in for an ’emergency’ appointment, but I still had to wait almost a week. Worst week of my life.
My friend knew this. She came over and saw how sick I was. And she offered to drive me to my appointment. I declined at first, because she has let me down before. But then I changed my mind. I was feeling awful, and I wanted some support, a friend. So I called her and she was to pick me up at 9, for a 9:30am appointment.
Great. Except she didn’t show up until 9:20. It’s a 25 minute drive. I had no choice but to drive myself (not a good option considering how bad I was feeling).
My friend has sent me a text saying she’s very sorry. She says she knows I’m angry. That’s the thing. I’m not angry. I’m hurt. Really hurt. I can’t talk to her. She was here on Friday night, when I was at my worst. She knows how sick I was, and how much I needed this appointment. We spoke last night and she offered to drive me. Not trusting her, I booked a cab. She said to call in the morning if I changed my mind. I did change my mind, two hours from pick up time. If she couldn’t be here in time, she should have said. If something came up, she should have called. By the time I realised she wasn’t going to get here in time, I had no other option but to drive myself. I saw her pass me the other way…so I know exactly how far away she was, how late she was. 20 minutes. She gave no reason for being late. Just a sorry, and a promise that next time she’ll be on time. There won’t be a next time. She has done this before. Fool me for depending on her.
I called my doctor from my car (Bluetooth, hands free) and let her know that I would be ten minutes late, and then I broke all the speed limits to get there, and parked illegally. No ticket. My lucky day. My doc was angry because she fit me in as an ‘emergency’ appointment as it was, but she agreed to see me. She wasn’t angry anymore when she saw me, she felt sorry for me. I was so upset she made me lie down for a while. Then I went off to the endocrinology department to book in for a short synacthen test. Tomorrow I’ll finally find out if my adrenals are working. I say they are, given how high my blood pressure went, when my friend didn’t show up. Pure adrenalin. I have to be there at 8:30am. I’ll stick with the cab plan this time. My Immunologist thinks is more likely the underlying disease showing up, given my blood work. Unless the synacthen test comes back bad, I have to keep tapering. But I don’t think I can get any lower.
Thing is, this is not a one off. This is how people treat me, have always treated me. I go to the ends of the earth for them…they forget to show up for me. This is why I don’t rely on anyone. Years of experience. My ex-husband was the worst betrayal. But there have been so many others.
I would never do that to someone else. I don’t know why she was so late and it doesn’t matter now. If she had a good reason, she would have said. I spoke to her son, when I was waiting. I called her phone to find out if she was on her way, and calculate how far away she was. He laughed and said she was running so late! Haha. Hysterical. Clearly no one there was injured or sick.
People always tell me I need to ask for help more. Well, this is what often happens when I do.
People don’t get ‘strong’ by choice. They get that way because people constantly let them down. No one chooses to be this strong. They’re forced to be.